The End is the Beginning is the End

Traveling overseas, countries, and mountains, I hoped to find only one thing. It was the one thing that I couldn't find at home, and it was the most important thing in the world. I would trade anything for the chance to find this one thing, simple and unassuming.

I was looking for myself. I couldn't find myself in a heaping pile of what everyone else thought, and so I had to get away. Tabula Rossa. A blank slate to work with. I could try my hand at being anyone else. So I was George. I tried my hand at my birth name, like an alias that if I didn't like, I could always drop and say "just kidding, I'm really Jed."

I tried to do the things a cooler, better me would do. I pushed my boundaries, asked myself all the questions I needed to be asked, and did my best, and after a while I realized... I really liked what I had become. I listened to the music I liked, watched the shows I wanted, and talked about what I wanted to talk about. If I didn't make friends, it was not too important, and I only had a year to worry about it.

Then it dawned on me... I'd always been this person. Maybe I put a little more effort in, but for the most part George and Jed were the same person despite my best efforts. I'm on a trip that's costing thousands and thousands of dollars, looking at monuments and landscapes that are the pride of nations and the best thing I have seen is that the person I want to be and the person I am are pretty darn close to the same thing.

And the best part is, I'm not the only one that likes me. Playing volleyball I can be a little clumsy, and I make mistakes, but I'm pretty good. I'm unpredictable, and as long as I play every week or so, I do really well. My serves are wild and, if done correctly, unbeatable. I left early one night after winning the game from ten points behind and everyone clapped for me. It wasn't expected, it wasn't necessary, but I did good. I've never felt that way before. Nobody was patronizing me, I did that well on my own.

I climbed the mountain, and yeah it took me a while, but it felt so much better getting to the top that way. I traversed Ireland wearing dirty clothes and no deodorant with two girls who remain my friends to this day. I have a roommate and he's pretty chill with me and my music, and so far the only argument we've even kinda gotten into is whether or not to leave the window open. I'm getting along with everyone here really well, some like me too much, I have a bit of a shadow right now. It's flattering and all but I just need to breathe. It's like looking at 16 year old me without the funny part or the creative part.

I also really appreciate the smaller things in my life, like solitude. I have the ability to have it most of the time and it's so awesome to be able to be just by myself and write or draw or do whatever I want without social obligations, but if I want someone to hang out with there's usually someone to hang out with. I also have begun to truly appreciate American food. Holy smokes the food here is strange and it fills you up until you leave the cafeteria, then you suddenly ask yourself if it's April Fools.

I appreciate the life I have. Maybe I'll be less restless when I get back to the states. I've seen so much already, and there's so much more to come*!










*in case more doesn't come, I'm having a wondeful life and a sudden car accident won't leave me unsatisfied with my life.