Today was the most amazing day I've ever had, in some ways. I've been thinking, since Jon and Molly got married, that I make a lot of excuses why I'm not in love. I'd like to be in love, and I've found several stellar young ladies that would make great girlfriends and maybe something more... but I don't follow through. I used to sit back and say that I'd just be wasting their time or whatever... but lately I've seen that it isn't the case. I've said that it's because I'm too big, but I've had girlfriends and been bigger. I've been less mature, I've been meaner, I've been less sure of every thing about life. So today I went for a walk and searched for the reason why I can never seem to really be in love. The truth is, I don't think about anyone else REALLY.
I have my moments when I can be giving, but it's all for merit. I have never done a good thing I didn't take credit for. I've never said or done anything kind without expecting a pat on the back. I am a miserably selfish person and I know that it's not the place that I should be.
So I looked deep into the blue sky and I promised myself to allow myself to love people for free... to allow them to love me for not doing anything. That's the best part about people, they can love unconditionally. I know that Sara and Molly and Jon and my family all love me no matter what I do or don't do. Sure, if I completely changed everything about myself there's a chance they'd peace out, but I don't need to be so desperate for approval. I'm just fine.
With that said, I'm going to stop using material things to gain approval from others. It's juvenile and people like me as well without them. I won't expect it from others, and I'm going to look for the blue sky in every day I live. I'm going to look for the blue sky in myself and my loved ones. I'm gonna mess up, and I'm going to fall and become bruised and battered, but I'm going to make it one day.
